I hate being single on holidays like this.

I know no one likes it, but it's not the gifts or the "time together" that really gets to me (not that I'd mind either of course), but the reality of having someone that's there thinking about you, desperately trying to think of something, some gift or something they can do, to put a smile on your face. It sucks sitting around thinking about the important people in my life and how I can make their holiday a little better, all the while knowing their minds are elsewhere most of the time.

It's just life, realistically I will probably find someone to be with eventually, but the last few years haven't been the best. I need to stop feeling like I'm trying to salvage my life and barely hanging on moment to moment. It's more a mentality than anything else, and although the world isn't likely to change just because my outlook does, maybe my place in it will. At this point I don't feel I have much left to lose. As the people close to me continue to change their lives to suit their interests, I find my place becoming more and more subtle. I have no doubt that they still care, but there's no denying the distance; it's natural and faultless no matter how tragic.

I'm pretty psyched about the new journal I got for christmas, but I don't know what to write in it yet, whether I want it to be a diary-like journal of sorts, a random scrapbook of lyrics/quotes/thoughts, or an attempt at philosophical ramblings in hopes that something coherent is produced.