I feel as though I've just woken up to realize I've been asleep for years. As cliche as it sounds, that's the way things feel after this week. But it's more than just the world around me that I find changed, it's who I am. As I try to get my life straightened out, and piece together the broken bits on the floor, I find myself not understanding who I am at all...

So who are you? And who am I to you? And what exactly would happen if my relation to you changed someday? For certain, I've been confused about myself my entire life. I don't expect it will ever truly settle, and yet I've always had a way of identifying myself. I shy away from labels because of the expectations that go hand-in-hand, yet I've always identified myself by my relation to those around me. And in the recent months, it's become increasingly unclear just who I am in these regards.

Last week I made a valiant effort to get a lot of things on track. I attended all of my classes, spent an incredible amount of time trying to catch up on schoolwork, actually ate healthy for a change, worked out and got a bit of exercise, spent a little time reading philosophy for fun, and only played games for a few hours through the course of the entire week. As the stress overwhelmed me, I kept thinking of a close friend of mine that has been going through so much lately with so little to look forward to. Not to sound sappy, but it was a great source of motivation. As a side note, the ending at the end of the week was rather ironic in these regards... I was so focused on things I needed to get done to better myself, and I realized that it's a million times more difficult when you don't have either recognition or sympathy for your hardships. I could work and live in this way the rest of the year, stressed, busy, and rather unhappy, and in the end I would have nothing to show other than personal satisfaction. Yet, is that how I satisfy myself? I find myself craving the praise of those I care about more and more. It's easy to give the cliche criticism "you should be who YOU want to be, not who others want you to be." Yet there's an important crossover between this, as I want to be someone my friends are proud to know, someone they can not only trust but rely on, and someone they respect. And in recent months, I've found myself much further from the people I care most about.

As their lives took sharp turns and their sources of happiness either fell through or became unavailable, they took the logical approach of trying to supplement these various aspects to fill the gap and return to a more normal mindset. Yet there's only one way this accommodation works for everyone, and it may very well be referred to as the logical approach; for all parties to alter the necessary aspects of their own lives. Logically it makes plenty sense; yet I must be a fool, for I don't know how. Or maybe, as a stubborn child still at heart, I don't -want- to change. Most that know me would say I wasn't happy before, but these friendships are more than just "important." This was the essence of my life, a side-character of sorts admiring and envying the relationships, the embraces, the emotions of those closest to me. But a friend, a true friend, a proud friend that was, if not necessarily needed, at least a very integral part in the lives of the ones I cared for deeply. These friendship were my identity. They were ME, the only way I knew and understood myself, the only part of me I could rely on. And yet, here we are, and what have things become? The last few months feel like a giant carousel ride in a sense. A very long and emotional ride, and in the end everyone is somehow different, but we've found ourselves back at the start. Only it feels as if I fell off somewhere along the way, and now I'm just watching from afar. No longer even a real participant, just a mere observer.

This was where I felt I belonged. At their sides, always. This isn't a betrayal or anything of that sort, yet somehow I don't belong there anymore. Lives have changed, circumstances have altered, accommdations have been made, and it's all covered me up in a fog that prohibits me from even seeing where I remain. If you're an optimist, you'd point out that having no place in which you belong leaves you infinite options; you never know where you might end up because you're no longer returning to the same place at the end of each day. But I'm no optimist, and I've never been one to do well at adventuring at all. As proven by my overwhelming desire to have a wife and family, I yearn most of all for a place where I'm wanted and needed, the area in life that I know I make such a difference. I want an embrace that not only comforts but molds itself to accommodate for problems without ever letting go or loosening.

So what, then, do I do about this situation? I'm left with a distorted outline of how I see myself, unable to fit into the picture the way I always have. It would be nice if by some miracle a solution fell into my lap, a means of understanding myself and complimenting my own life for the vacancies that have resulted from the turmoil of those around me. But that's a difficult hope to bank on for sure. I'm still trying so very hard to make some changes in my life and daily habits, but with no solid foundation to support, the struggle grows more difficult every day, and I don't know whether I have the strength to make it through at this rate. And who do I go to for advice when those closest have become distant? I'm confused, but find myself far more lost than I ever recall being. I have many important decisions to make regarding my life in the next year, and I can't even understand or visualize myself right now. I don't know where I'll go from here, or how things will play out in the coming months, but may God watch over us all during these times...

Current Mood: confused