I've intended to come to this a few times in the past week or so, yet never found time. Tonight, I made time, because this is something I must get out and I must remember. Something's strange tonight...

For the first time in perhaps a year, maybe more, I'm ending the day with a very unique feeling. As the days keep dragging on and I try to find motivation to work on my schoolwork and ignore that very empty feeling, the loneliness that yearns to be with friends and away from this confinement that is my college life, I felt something tonight. I felt... special in a way. Something that was said made me feel different, not the artificial specialty that distinguishes a specific friendship from another of comparable value. The words can't explain it really, but I felt like I truly meant so much to someone, someone that means a great deal to me and has made an enormous impact on my own life.

It probably doesn't sound like much, and perhaps it shouldn't on the surface. Emotions sway like a pendulum, and being at a positive extreme carries a shadow of descent. But it's not the spark of contentment that I felt that makes this unique. It's not the words that weren't even spoken, it's something I saw beyond.

This was an epiphany of sorts, the sudden realization that I can't pursue any one aspect of my life at the expense of another. I've always been bad at multitasking; I mean this literally, unable to do anything while my attention is fixed on an objective. So when applied to my goals in life, my mentality followed this path as well. What I search for is one ultimate beauty that can hold my attention forever. One pure purpose that puts all other tasks to shame.

Thinking back, this is what appealed to me most about religion; to be truly religious is an absolute commitment to put faith above all else in life, to fixate your gaze on the will of the Divine and not let your eyes sway to temptation.

This is why I want to find "true love" and have a family. A purpose I can acknowledge as worth sacrificing all else for, something to put every ounce of effort into. Some place to call home without ever having to move.

This is why I've respected professors in college so much; they're so wrapped up in their work that it consumes their life (not all, but I'm speaking of specific professors, especially in the engineering field). They set their mind to one specific task and follow it meticulously, step by step, fulfilling obligations such as teaching class with the utmost disdain and haste.

And when it came to philosophy, I was mesmerized because I see this potential. I see in philosophy the potential to devote my life to the pursuit of wisdom. I see a road that's long and winding, one that I could spend my entire life walking down and never have to turn around.

So where does all this tie in? I realized that this entire line of thought is ignorant. Especially for anyone engaged in philosophy, and even more strongly for my own personal beliefs. Looking specifically at the feelings imbued tonight by a simple conversation, I noticed that I cannot, nor should I, neglect any part of my life in an attempt to focus on an infinitely exhausting vision. One way of saying it is that moderation MUST be maintained, but I think the reasons go beyond even moderation. I would say it reaches to fully appreciating your connections to life; to ignore the significance and inherent beauty of any aspect of your life in an attempt to promote another pursuit is to essentially deny part of yourself. And to deny part of yourself, to willingly turn your back on yourself, is self deception of the worst variation. What is left to pursue this ultimate vision on which you base your life is not you at all, but a mere fragment of yourself; it is not simply a distorted self, but some entirely different monstrosity altogether.

This essentially reduces to my argument regarding the significance of oneself. When we describe anything, or even think of anything in this world, it is by relation. Every object, every person, every thought is identified by comparison. Aesthetic qualities are identified by comparing shape, size, beauty, etc. Moral qualities are identified by relating to our concept of virtues and morals. We identify our friends through character traits, but these relate to memories and how they've acted in the past. In a sense, this is quite similar to Plato's argument regarding forms. But the point I'm getting to is, I think, quite a different look. When we regard our own existence, it must then be defined by our relations. We certainly relate our vision of our self to our ideals of virtues, claiming to be courageous or cowardly, moderate or excessive, beautiful or ugly, etc. But what about the views of those around us? Many people would claim that the impact we have on the world, which could be called our -connection- to the world through accomplishments, gives us definition as well. Yet it is not so common today to extend this to the perception of our self in others around us. People around us see very specific, usually limited, views of us through our actions and the situations we encounter in life. I used to feel the image to others was meaningless because they often saw so little of me, or misinterpreted my intentions so much that it wasn't me at all. After all, every mind has its own "filter" of sorts through which all empirical knowledge must pass through. But in hindsight, I feel that this connection IS our identity. We create a personal image for ourselves, but this is not an identity. This image relates to nothing but our self. The significance of life, and the identity of each of us, lies within our connections, not within self-perception. As if there's a big spider web in life, our identity is not the spider but the webbing itself that links us to existence. This is quite wordy, and I could go on for days about this, but that's the general idea.

So still, perhaps it isn't apparent why tonight was significant. I've contemplated pursuing philosophy very seriously and spent the past few months trying to discern what role I want philosophy to play in my life. Part of me has wanted to dive in with my eyes closed and never come up for air. Part of me has always felt that unless I untie myself from my life as I know it now, I won't be able to make such a significant change. As if my life, with its problems, its loneliness, its despair, were shackles at my ankles. As if it was actually holding me down. Ignorance. This is me. This longing for friends, this desire for love and embrace, this confusion, it all makes me the way I am. It completely encompasses my emotions and feelings for those around me, and defines the way I live my life. And I must carry every bit of it with me wherever I go, whichever road I follow, never denying nor forgetting, always embracing and accepting every flaw. And most especially, my friendships, few as they are, for they define me as I truly am. I cannot distance myself from my flaws, from my loneliness, from my friends, and attempt to hide in the deep waters, to forget pains, to mold a new existence for myself from scratch. I must pursue philosophy to understand myself and to better understand how I can happily live life, but I must do it alongside my current life. I must embrace my connections and friendships completely. I must stride forward with it all, bearing all the weight, arm in arm with my cares, my fears, my ignorance. And I will bear the eyes of my friends every step of the way, living my life not to better -myself-, but to better my connection to them.

Current Mood: contemplative