The test yesterday went really well, but where academic contentment sets in, emotional disarray comes waltzing in with the sort of proud smirk that says "what did you expect?"

This entry probably won't make sense, not even to me. I'm confused with the world around me, and i'm confused with my identity within it. My mind keeps changing by the moment, probably due to frustration, and I feel the best way to make sense of it is to vent completely, drain myself and let it all out, and hope some sense comes by the end. The problem itself keeps fluctuating from one issue to another, then back again. This is a public journal, but I don't think any of my close friends read it. And if they do, they know me well enough to expect it I suppose...

What DID I expect though. I find myself weighed down by the same heartstrings that have brought me to my knees time and time again. For all the glory of a beautiful friendship, it shows full of holes in times of grief. I find myself second guessing every foundation. Life is made important through our connections. We alone are nothing. Fighting for ourselves, we are weak. Existence is defined by the emotional attachment we have to others. This gives our life meaning.

Or so I believe. Or so I claim to believe, anyway. But then, how cruel is this world that such overwhelming emotions and sensations do not even phase those around us. Somehow I've always understood that love is not mutual in any sense, and that love is never balanced. Yet, when applied to my friendships, I find myself stumbling in the same cracks over and over again. What I want and expect doesn't even make sense, it's not possible, but the frustration and despair at falling never dullens.

I want to be a close friend, I want to mean so much, probably because I want to feel that I'm alive through my friendships. And such, as my friends pursue independence and personal strength, I find myself... in a sense, unnecessary. That sounds harsher than I mean it, clearly my friendship is still valued, at least sometimes. And yet, I find myself unable to mean anything at times when they need someone most. Because as a friend, we have a role. And because of our relations as a friend, we have limitations. Mental lines are drawn, and our value remains within this fixed region. As a friend, your thoughts and concerns make an impact, so long as its within this region. Outside, however, you're useless in a sense. Or maybe its just that there are times when people become so overwhelmed by emotions, be it loneliness, despair, anger, or what have you, that the impact as a friend just drops through the floor.

I look at friendship differently though. I look at life in general differently. Or at least, I think I do, but maybe i'm just missing sometihng. I think most people make a mistake by drawing lines everywhere. Everything just has to have a title, a representation, an outline. Nothing is taken simply for what it is. The most obvious cases for this are in our relation to those around us. People that care rely on titles such as boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, friend, relationship, etc. to comfort them and help them forget about the fact that nothing in life, especially regarding a human being, is ever certain. It's nothing to get defensive about, and why are people so afraid to embrace it? I personally have always wanted something permanent, eternal, something that I can count on. Everyone does really. But the beauty of humanity is in our ability to adapt, to change, to learn, grow, and evolve. And as comforting as it is to view a relationship as a box, with limits, expectations, and plenty of lines so both parties know exactly what's allowed and expected... as nice as it is to feel like you can rely on this box to remain as it is for the entirety of the relationship, that's not only rediculous, but unwise. The box won't stay the same, no matter how much you want it to, the edges will bend and deform until it's not a box at all, and HOPEFULLY you'll come to like the new object even more, or at least be able to accept the deformities and resolve your personal qualms with it.

But, might I suggest a different look on that? There's really a few points to be made. First, if you're so busy drawing lines, laying down expectations, you're missing so much of the other person. You're cutting the fat, so to speak. You're saying that this much of the person is allowed to be expressed, whereas these characteristics must lie dormant. They're still there, but they're not allowed to come out and be seen. But that's just lieing to yourself, and if you really care abotu someone (or even if you don't, it really shouldn't change the answer) doesn't it make more sense to view them as they are, as a whole, than by giving them an outline to stand in? There's beauty to be found even in flaws, and truth is always more beautiful than deception. But there's a second point, just as valid as the first... speaking technically, your relation to those around you should be allowed to flourish in truth and openness, or else you're blinding and crippling the interaction. But it might be better to descrive it like this... instead of viewing a relationship as a box to fulfill your own sense of security, wouldn't it be beautiful to have a relationship that grows and evolves together? Why fear this element of change that's so natural to humans. It's a blessing, not a curse, and while it means that you will never be assured that your relation will not change, it also means you have the opportunity to grow alongside one another. Letting the relation grow and evolve, why do people deprive such a thing simply to drown their insecurity?

Clearly I'm a bit bitter. But I hate being classified. I've never fit in to anything in my entire life. That's not a whine, and in a way it's something I'm proud of (and something i despise at times), but I can't fit into an outline. I refuse to act a certain way or not say certain things because it doesn't comply with your view of things. I refuse to try to control my emotions and force them to abide by what's allowed in any sense, or to try to classify them into any certain form.

Somehow, in all of this, I've avoided talking about what's really frustrated me to tonight. I've diverted to what's concerned me for most of the week, and while it still concerns me, my mind is made up. There's nothing more to be said, though I truly wish more people adhered to this sort of belief and started opening their eyes to what's beyond the lines.

How do I word this though... tonight, I was faced with the limitations of a friendship. I think this should be extended to at least the last day or two, and include more than tonight's audience. I truly wonder whether I'll have a place at the side of my friends once the inconvenience of being my friend right now passes by. I don't know though. I hate this mediocrity. I fucking despise it in every way with every bit of me. What the hell is this, a casual friendship? Such a thing makes no sense at all. What sort of friendship could ever be casual at all. What sort of friendship, real friendship, is tamed by convenience. What sort of friendship reveals only what's safe. What sort of friendship is too timid to be honest. And on the other hand, what sort of friendship becomes complacent when the topic extends beyond the designated "boundary."

Here lies the epitomy of my frustration. I care, I care so god damn much. I can't help, not this, not here, and this I've come to terms with in the past. No friendship is without a void zone. But what is the purpose of all my efforts to find wisdom when such wisdom is always ignored. If those I care about enslave themselves to their emotions and lie beyond the reach of reason, what good is my struggle. All my efforts to strengthen my wisdom and strengthen my relation to those around me is nullified by mediocrity of our relations.

My role is to share good times. My role is to listen when things go wrong. But don't speak, or speak only for my own good, as the choice will be made solely by the emotions guiding you. My words carry so much concern, they're more than words, they're my fight against your despair. Yet they're nothing more than vibrations, powerless to even approach the emotions controlling your actions. The same emotions that draw the lines that cage me, that define our proper friendship and its terms.

My role is to distract, dance a little dance with a jester's hat to escape reality. My role is to inform, my most useful feature, to tell you what you can't ask yourself, in a nice summarized format carefully picking the seeds out as I go.I can complement, but it's taken as dishonest flattery. I can respect, but it never really changes your outlook of yourself.

My role is to care, but never too much, and only according to certain guidelines. Move slightly out of the lines and it's a transgression. Fuck your lines, fuck your conditions. There's no difference between one version and the other, it's all a stupid mindtrick to emphasize or de-emphasize things by contrast. It's nothing more than an illusion we use to avoid being harshly honest to those around us and to ourselves.

The wisest words, the most irrefutable logic, the most sincere heart, all victims to mediocrity. The worst sin is placing yellow tape on a beating heart. When even the most beautiful things in the world are trimmed to fit, what is there left to admire?

Current Mood: disappointed